He impregnated me with his SEED… It penetrated me deeply. As the days passed it grew day by day until the birth pains were too much for me to bear. When I gave birth, I could not believe what had come out of me. Its reflection, my reflection was so far from what I imagined it would be…
A part of my testimony of God’s AWESOME protection and ability to renew and reconcile me to Him is the fact I was stalked online and offline; I understood what cyber bullying was way before it was given a name. I was verbally and mentally abused, placed in immediate physical danger, cheated on with both females and males (I learned later on) and financially went into debt because of my connection to my ex.
I met the embodiment of what used to my greatest temptation when I was 19. His seed was not that of the biological kind that had impregnated me. It was SIN…and its byproducts were words and thoughts of doubt, low self esteem, condemnation, self loathing and deceit. When I finally came to the knowledge of what had slowly been happening to me over a period of almost 10 years.… I feared I had lost a part of myself that I would never be able to regain. The true sense of who I am and my ability to trust and love another.
In some ways my soul had been so entwined with my ex’s, I could not tell, where I began and he ended. The root of it all was I was unequally yoked. I was saved, he wasn’t.
However, back then when I first met him, I was impressible and naive though I may have never had admitted it. At first I was just flattered by his advances. I had lived a very sheltered life and he was just my flesh’s type. What I mean he was tall, just shy of 6 ft, and very handsome.
At that age I had thing for “pretty bad boys”. Many girls my age had a thing for them. My ex was a textbook “pretty” with the fair skin and curly hair to boot. He favored two of my junior high through high school crushes, the singers Christopher Williams and Al B. Sure. Born in Haiti, but most people thought he was from the Dominican Republic. His Brooklyn accent had a hint of Caribbean to it. He was athletic, played football throughout high school and softball for his company team. You get the picture; he was fine by all appearances…
My ex however saw through my mask of vibrato and knew which buttons to push to increase my interest in him beyond the physical…
When we met he was working towards obtaining a degree in Business and also employed full time by a major corporation. Though he worked in production his charismatic personality and diligent work ethics were helping him to quickly climb his way up the ranks. His job was unionized and had benefits. By age 18 he had his own car, had moved out on his own; yet was still very close to his mother and his family. I thought I had hit the jack pot! I had always been very family oriented and wanted to be in a relationship with someone that felt the same way.
However from the jump I sensed something just was off. At “Hello” he was trying to get in my pants.
Before even meeting him face to face (he had found me online via an instant message program), I had told him in our communications, that I thought he was probably a player now or had been back in high school. He was a bit older than me at age 21.
He laughed it off and asked “Why did I think that?” classic player type response to avoid the obvious, that he was in fact a player! However, again as I said I was flattered and curious and didn’t see what harm it would be just to meet him once…
In the mid-90s meeting someone online was not as dicey as it is now. I have actually had some great experiences meeting individuals that had similar interests to me that I may have never met if it had not been for the internet. Individuals to this day I am still friends with after 10+ years.
Yet, as the old saying goes… “If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck. It must be a duck.” My ex attempted to duck the fact he was a player.
He never officially asked me out. It was assumed that from the time we met I was his. My ex was very possessive towards me; though he was very secretive about his doings. I was an open book while he was always a mystery. I made the mistake early on to give him husband like privileges. From my body, to money to my actions he had a say. At one point during our relationship he actually lived with me while I paid in part both of our bills. In my mind I thought I was investing in a future with him. He painted a picture that we would be married sooner than later.
We actually broke up three times through out our history. The first should’ve been the last. He had left me stranded at one of his friend’s houses after we had, had our first encounter. I felt unsafe so I left in the middle of the night and was cussed out and call all kinds of names by him the next day. He made me feel like dirt.
It was about a year from that experience that he attempted to contact me again. This was just before my father passed away suddenly and so my ex had never gotten the opportunity to meet him. I have a feeling if my dad would have met him the same red flags I had felt he would have too. Though I know in my heart I was too far gone to even have listened to my father’s wisdom in the matter.
After my father’s passing in January 2001, I was so hungry for the need to feel secure again in a relationship, that I allowed my ex completely back into my life. I laugh at myself because I have always kept journals. Sometimes I am faithful in writing them daily and other times I have just picked one up when I needed to pour out my heart and went on an all out writer’s spree. When those times have come I have locked myself in a safe place with just my notebook and a pen and just cleared my head onto the pages.
When I go back to read my journals during this crucial time in my life I can see in them where my thoughts began to become directly influenced by my ex and how warped they had become…
Fast forwarding 7 years. I had been working in full time ministry for two years. My ex was actually the reason why I decided to look for my own home church after. He asked me one day when we were in the middle of disagreement the last time I had read my bible. I couldn’t recall. At that point I knew something was wrong. I started to look for a brook to get fed at again. Growing up my mother took me to a little neighborhood Baptist church. I never felt truly at home at it so, I knew I would not go back to it. I had since stopped back sliding with my ex. He no longer lived with me. I had cut him off financially. However, he still had ties to my heart…
To be continued…in Part Two.
© 2012 – 2013, Lela Jefferson Fagan. All rights reserved.