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Almost two years till I am the BIG 40

Saturday, November 26, 2016

There are times when I sit alone and think; where has the time gone? What have I done with my life? Have I accomplished anything? Who and what am I living my life for?  Then I looked at my calendar and realized its around that time of the month, and I am just a bit melodramatic. However, a week from tomorrow I turn 38. I am two years from 40, and I am truly not happy. I am not living my best life. I know this to be true, I am just cruising through life at times on autopilot. I have moments when I look in the mirror and I say to myself that I am beautiful, but in the same breathe I am calling myself fat and unattractive. I have become a freaking cliché!  I am the big girl with a cute face. Somehow I gained fifty pounds since I got married. I got lazy and comfortable to be quite honest. I started feeling sorry for myself when I learned that I had health challenges. I learned unhealthy habits from my husband. It happens. Yet, it may seem that I am here crying over spilled milk, I am really not. Now I want to make a change.

My husband and I are about to be parents. We are preparing to become foster-to-adoptive parents.  I don’t want my children one day to not be without their mother or my husband his wife. I don’t want to be the fat mom in all the photos either. I don’t like climbing a flight of steps and feeling as if I can’t breathe. I don’t want my breast, though I am naturally chesty to restart to resemble California Kingsize bed pillow either. So, I am ready to impart on my own “Year of Yes.”

© 2016, Lela Jefferson Fagan. All rights reserved.

Lela Jefferson Fagan is the author of the book “Poetry of a Black Girl: The Darkness and the Light” and lead blogger at “Memoirs of a Black Girl”. Lela is an avid reader “A Real Bookworm” of all things in print. She finds joy in sharing socially and blogging about topics that matter the most to her. Born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. Lela now lives in Houston, TX with her husband Oji, an educator and Football Coach. @LelaJFagan - See more at:

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