Preparing for a Covenant Before We Planned a Wedding
“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.” — Psalm 127:1 (NIV)
There are photographs that become more meaningful with time.
One of my favorites from our wedding day isn’t the exchange of rings or our first kiss. It’s the photograph of Oji and me pouring two separate containers of sand into a single vessel engraved with our new family name: Fagan.
At thirty-three, I thought it was simply a beautiful part of our ceremony.
At forty-seven, I understand it differently.
It wasn’t about sand.
It was about covenant.
Two separate lives.
Two different histories.
Two different callings.
One family.
One future.
One decision to trust God with everything that came after.
Looking back now, I realize that long before we built a home together, God was quietly giving us the blueprint for our marriage.
People often remember the flowers, the dress, or the reception.
When I think about our wedding, I remember conversations.
Not because the details weren’t beautiful—they were.
But weddings last a day.
The conversations that prepare you for marriage can shape a lifetime.
Looking back fourteen years later, I realize Oji and I spent far more time preparing for our marriage than we did planning our wedding.
That wasn’t accidental.
It became the first blueprint for everything that followed.
When Oji and I became engaged in May 2011, we entered two seasons simultaneously.
One was engagement.
The other was football.
Anyone who has ever loved a coach understands that football season doesn’t politely make room for wedding planning. It demands long hours, complete focus, and an extraordinary commitment to the young men entrusted to that coach’s care.
Fortunately, I already understood that rhythm.
One of my greatest joys was watching Oji coach. Leadership wasn’t something he switched on under the stadium lights. It was simply who he was.
So instead of competing with football, I learned to work within its rhythm.
Because we lived in different states—me in New York and Oji in Texas—our engagement looked different than most.
Every week we intentionally set aside time for premarital counseling with my brother-in-law, Pastor Robert “Bobby” Lindsay Sr., and my oldest sister, First Lady Juanita Lindsay.
Those conversations happened over the telephone.
An hour at a time.
Week after week.
We talked about far more than a wedding ceremony.
We talked about communication.
Expectations.
Faith.
Friendship.
Conflict.
Purpose.
Most importantly, we talked about covenant.
Years later, I can still hear one piece of my sister’s wisdom.
She reminded me to be discerning about who I shared my marital frustrations with. Friends and family may remember the pain of a difficult season if they never hear the story of healing that followed. Instead, she encouraged me to take my marriage first to God—to the One who was faithfully working in both of us.
That counsel has stayed with me ever since.
Working at World Changers Church New York had already shaped the way I approached planning.
Every conference.
Every worship service.
Every major event began with preparation.
As Administrative Assistant to the Executive Director, one of my responsibilities was preparing our weekly production event rider—a detailed document ensuring every aspect of the service was thoughtfully coordinated before anyone ever arrived.
Excellence didn’t happen accidentally.
It was planned.
So when it came time to plan my own wedding, I naturally approached it the same way.
I researched destinations.
Submitted requests for proposals to resorts.
Compared venues.
Talked with recently married friends.
Built timelines.
Collected information.
I wasn’t trying to create the perfect wedding.
I simply wanted to remove unnecessary distractions so we could focus on what mattered most.
One of the most meaningful planning conversations wasn’t about flowers or photography.
It was about words.
Having served in ministry, I had heard many wedding ceremonies over the years.
When it came time for Oji and me to exchange vows, I wanted the promises we made to reflect what we believed—not simply repeat a familiar script.
Pastor Bobby and I chose to use A Ceremony of Marriage by Kenneth Copeland, a ceremony resource familiar within the World Changers Fellowship family of churches. Its emphasis on covenant closely reflected the biblical foundation Oji and I wanted to establish from the very beginning.
Every element of the ceremony mattered.
Including our decision to receive Communion together.
Before we celebrated one another, we remembered Christ.
Then came one of our first lessons in partnership.
After weeks of researching honeymoon destinations and finally making reservations, I proudly shared everything with Oji.
He carefully reviewed my plans.
Then he quietly said three words.
“Cancel the reservation.”
My planner’s heart nearly stopped.
Everything inside me wanted to defend the work I had already completed.
Instead…
I listened.
Together we reconsidered our strategy.
My research met his patience.
My planning met his perspective.
By combining our gifts instead of protecting our individual approaches, we found a better solution.
Using Priceline, strategic travel dates, and a willingness to start over, we turned what would have been a four-day honeymoon into a full week. We stayed in the Presidential Suite at the Hilton overlooking the Niagara River, enjoyed unexpected upgrades, and still had enough left in our budget to simply enjoy being together.
It wasn’t about saving money.
It was our first glimpse of what partnership looked like.
As I look back now, I realize something else.
God had surrounded us with exactly the people we needed before we ever stood at the altar.
Pastor Bobby wasn’t simply our officiant.
He and Juanita had faithfully lived a covenant for more than forty years before speaking into ours.
My sister stood where our mother would have stood.
My uncles, Ray and Donald, stood in honor of my father.
Nicole, my Maid of Honor and former roommate and coworker from World Changers Church New York, represented a season of ministry, friendship, and adulthood that had helped shape me.
Chi Chi, my Matron of Honor and longtime friend since middle school, had encouraged me years earlier to invite Oji as my date to her own wedding after we reconnected as friends. Football prevented him from attending, but her encouragement became one of the first invitations for me to consider what our friendship might become.
Merissa, my Lady-in-Waiting, whom I met through Music Ministry at World Changers Church New York, lovingly prepared me that morning by styling my hair. Somewhere along the journey, I had become like a big sister to her. Not long after our wedding, she would begin her own journey toward marriage.
Looking around that day, I wasn’t simply surrounded by a wedding party.
I was surrounded by every season God had used to prepare me for covenant.
Today, when I look at that unity vessel sitting quietly among our keepsakes, I no longer see colored sand.
I see a promise.
A reminder that two separate stories became one family.
The vessel bears the name Fagan.
The marriage has carried it ever since.
The blueprint was never about planning the perfect wedding.
It was always about building a faithful marriage.
Found in the Margins is an ongoing memoir series available on both Memoirs of a Black Girl and Substack. Whether you’re joining from the beginning or picking up in the middle, thank you for walking this journey with me.
Read the complete series:
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https://www.memoirsofablackgirl.com
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https://lelajfagan.substack.com
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